Planting

Artichoke

Planting Time Artichokes may look like the armored cousin of a medieval pineapple, but don’t let that tough exterior fool you. They’re big, buttery flowers that love warm, sunny weather. In cold climates, they can’t sit out a full year of yelping. In warmer climates, folks plant them in fall too, but up here in redneck country we try that once and learn real quick that planting them a little looks like. Plant early, plant growth, and plant like you’re chasing the king of the vegetable prom.

Depth & Spacing This one mostly needs plenty of elbow room. Artichokes grow big enough to hide a small dog or two, so space them about three feet apart. Set the crowns just deep enough to cover the roots—no need to bury them like Captain Ray’s old truck tires in a mud hole. Half inch to one inch deep, steady, snug, but still visible enough that Captain Ray doesn’t trip over it at the family cookout.

Soil & Fertilization Artichokes thrive in rich, loose, well-drained soil—the kind that feels like chocolate cake without the calories. Shoot for soil packed with compost, aged manure, or whatever your neighbor brags about using that magically makes his tomatoes bigger than yours too. Feed artichokes throughout the season; these plants are heavy cruisers and heavy eaters eat like teenage linebackers. Keep nutrients coming and they’ll reward you with buds that’ll make you strut.

Watering Needs Keep the soil moist but not swampy. You want hydrated artichokes, not ones training to be catfish. Water deeply one to two times a week depending on heat. During the blazing dog days, check the soil often—if it’s drier than a picnic table, call them. It’s watering time. Mulch helps too, like giving your plants a good hat so they don’t bake.

Sunlight Requirements Artichokes want full sun and lots of it. They’re basically solar-powered thistles. Give them at least six hours of sunlight, though more is better, like a key lime pie. They will tolerate some shade, but they walk off the bigger and tastier the buds grow, and nothing says “garden champion” like holding an artichoke the size of a softball.

Harvesting Harvest the year incoming, harvest artichokes when the buds are tight, firm, and about the size of your fist—unless your fists are enormous, in which case aim for average human fist size. Cut the bud along with a couple inches of stem. Many folks harvest a few, others cut the top of the plant at the ground. Cut the main stalk, but they won’t grow back to edible. Wait until the following year and they’ll look like a fat pine cone. Pick boldly and keep the plant producing like a slot machine on a lucky streak.

Captain Greenhouse Tip If you really want to impress the neighbors, grow a whole row of artichokes and tell everyone you’re raising “Mediterranean-style thistle flowers.” They grow tall, look expensive, and before you know it they think you’re actually a pro. And here’s a secret from one redneck to another: if you forget to harvest a few and they bloom, those big purple flowers will have folks thinking you hired a professional landscaper. Just smile, nod, and take the credit.